Habits of the Indigenous Music Snob: Part I

I'd like to introduce a new feature on this blog, one that will be deliberately and good-naturedly self-deprecating. Because, really, Torrey and I are aware that music snobs have a bad reputation. We are also aware that this bad reputation comes from the fact that we are, at times, Super Pretentious. So Habits of the Indigenous Music Snob will poke fun at various aspects of music snobbery, while also being relatively true observations.

Part 1: Relationships

Music snobs are not at heart solitary creatures, content merely with a surrounding cave of well-aged vinyl records and a 160 GB iPod (now discontinued). No - they too long for the emotions of love, tenderness, and intimacy, just as their favorite artists and bands have taught them to. (Side note: What came first, the music or the misery? Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?) And music snobs are not doomed to live only with their rare Smiths singles: relationships are attainable for them, but with a few basic rules. And the most cardinal of these rules is the following:

Music snobs cannot date other music snobs. It just doesn't work, people.

I know what you're thinking. "But Kathryn, my boyfriend/girlfriend really loves music!" "But Kathryn, your best friend is Torrey and he's a music snob!" Yes. I know. I'm still right. Here's why:

1. There is a large, vast difference between a music snob and an individual who loves music. Someone who loves music will buy CDs, listen to the radio, find new music online, and in general enjoy the addition of music to their daily life. They also have a ~47% chance of having good taste. But, unlike a music snob, they are not competitive about music. They do not spend time agonizing over whether a certain band has indie cred or not. They do not feel actual shame over not particularly liking a band that they know, as music snobs, they should like. Their response to being complimented on their musical taste is "Thanks! Glad you like it!" The music snob's response is always "I know."

2. Music snobs can absolutely be best friends with other music snobs. They can be casual friends, dog-walkers, collaborators, co-workers, fuckbuddies. They absolutely never ever ever can be romantically involved. This is because music snobs are competitive. They have to have the best music collection ever. And this is okay for casual friends, even best friends, because friendship is not a union. You do not actively become part of a couple in friendship. You are a duo, not a couple. A duo implies equal amounts of impressive talent, brought together in a temporary social situation. A couple is a fixed combination. And a music snob always wants to dominate; the music snob is inherently territorial in nature. Two music snobs dating would be an incessant rigmarole of figurative urination.

I realize this may sound overly harsh. But I really believe it's true. You should also note that the music snob will always SAY that he or she will only date another music snob. The music snob states ridiculously high standards for any potential boyfriend/girlfriend in terms of musical taste, but inevitably does not end up with anyone like this. Even Torrey and I's Bible, High Fidelity, proves this point. Laura is not a music snob. She likes good music and appreciates the art of music, but is not a music snob. This is because Rob would never, ever be able to date a music snob. Can you imagine two individuals prone to giving third-wall-dissolving narratives to the camera in the same relationship? No! It could never work! The music snob needs a counterpoint, a foil to their intense musical pretentiousness, someone who has a healthy or even non-existent attitude towards music.

Case in point: my first relationship began with my then-boyfriend making me mix-tapes that contained Elvis, "Unchained Melody", and other various oldie-but-goodie songs that had clearly come from his parents' influence. Another mixtape was comprised completely of Scrubs soundtrack songs. But shortly after he began listening to Devendra Banhart and telling me that I really underappreciated The Flaming Lips, the relationship ended. Coincidence? Or staggering confirmation of my scientific theory?

I say, staggering confirmation. Feel free to offer your own opinions. But I will argue that you are wrong.